I’ve been having this dilemma for some time now, maybe even since the beginning of this project. But recently, some events seem to have brought it into sharp focus, and it’s on my mind so I thought I’d write it out a little bit.
Most recently it happened with the mountain lion that I saw (and we were not able to film) and even more recently with the wolf kill that we watched (and were able to film). Both of these things were events that we only dreamed of actually getting to watch while out here in the wilderness. Yes, they go on all the time. Mountain lions abound, and wolves eat regularly. And while we see tracks of big cats, and the remains of wolf meals (they are very thorough, so all that remains is usually a pelt and a stain, and maybe a hoof or two), we had yet to see the actual animal, or event respectively.
I saw the mountain lion almost three weeks ago now. And although I feel somewhat selfish saying this, I’m glad I had no camera with me. It was one of those moments that whizzes by in a flash of heart pounding, jaw-on-the-ground, disbelief, and when its over you feel like an ecstatic Gumby, able to do multiple flips and contortions, and in my case, fly back down the mountain without your feet ever touching the ground, because you are so excited. And where was I running? None other than straight back to get Isaac and the camera, to film. Because that’s what we’re out here to do. We’re trying to film everything we see, hear, and experience. We’re trying to end up with something to show that perhaps people may not otherwise get to experience themselves, in person. We feel like this area, this wilderness, is something special enough that it deserves some extra attention and awareness. We’re…. we’re… yes, I am struggling for words to complete that sentence, the sentence that explains what we are actually doing. But we feel there is something worth sharing, and although we may not quite be able to put our finger on it in a sentence or two, perhaps in a film, in a year of experiences, we can relay a feeling, even the slightest wisp of a flavor of the place, and that would be enough.
But in that moment when I rounded the corner with the dog trotting in happy zig-zags by my side, and saw that tawny body leap off the bighorn ewe carcass, in that moment when adrenaline swept through me and I grabbed Kea around the chest and we both sank to our knees and watched as the mountain lion picked its graceful way up the scree slope, in that moment a camera was the last thing on my mind. And even if I had one with me, I just don’t know how you would begin to capture that feeling of complete awe, respect, and magic that has allowed you even the tiniest glimpse of a rare sight. And (again, selfishly) I feel like it should be a rare sight, and not one that gets shown on a screen.
Ok, so do I sound confused? Well than good, I am confused. I’m just trying to explain how I am feeling about the whole thing. And while I can see both sides, and can argue and convince myself of either side at different times, it is a constant struggle to figure out what I really believe as to what to film and what not to film. In all honesty, what it really comes down to is that we film whatever we have the chance to, and that if I had had a camera with me that day, you can be sure I would have been scrambling to film the mountain lion. That’s the reality. This mental battle is an indulgence allowed only after the fact.
Just over a week ago we watched a wolf kill, something else that we never really believed we’d actually see while out here. Actually, Isaac and the camera saw it, while I again sat clutching the dog who had only moments before tried to get herself eaten by chasing a wolf we bumped into on the trail while walking home. But Isaac was in just the right spot at the right time, and watched eight wolves pull a deer out of the icy river (which presumably they had chased into the river in the first place) and devour the entire thing in thirty-five minutes. I am honestly glad he had the camera with him, and was in the right spot to catch the whole thing as it happened. So what’s the difference? I have no idea, and I guess I don’t hope to figure it out. But that is all part of what keeps us on our toes, what keeps us thinking about what we are doing out here, and what keeps it all interesting and exciting.
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